So instead of writing my essay due in 24 hours, I'm going to try and write a post (Since Rebecca said that she misses my interesting ones, and I haven't posted in forever)
Soooooo yeah...
-I feel as if I have nothing to write. There is much to say, that I could say, but when I ask my hands to write something of significance, to say something that will force people to contemplate, nothing can come.
I've had things happen in the last week, that I never thought could happen to me. Challenges that I've tried to face, but I think I've taken a chicken way out of it. I can't explain it, but to have two people, both who understand what's happening, both who can say with honesty how they feel, to turn out as (on my end) completely devastated as I felt, it just doesn't make sense to me.
But a lot of things don't make sense to me.
-I've been forced to think about life. On a grand scale, immediate scale, and personal scale. Where I'm going, in the sense of after I leave Irvine, and after I leave life itself. lulz, it's all so serious.
-Fred made comments using lines from Batman beyond. Using the joker as an example for a dating guideline on his part. I said he should go out on dates, and quote ONLY from the joker. See how far that gets him.
Not far.
-I wonder how people are doing. I took a nap today, and dreamed of people from middle school that moved away. It was weird. I saw them, and when I tried to talk to them, their words were muffled, muddled, and I couldn't hear them. I wonder if that means they are gone out of my life, or if they are trying to say something, but I can't understand. Crazy.
-I still think that what you learn under the stars and in night skies are much more important than what you can learn from a book or in a classroom.
-Class is good. Probably B's - B+'s. I've never gotten an A in I'm unsure how long. I think I can, if I really want to, but when I go to school, all I care about are the people I meet, and the days I have. What will become of those who get straight A's? They'll have lives. They'll do things. They'll go places. But I feel that if I miss out on the days I could have now, with people, that the seconds before I die, I'll remember it all, and smile. What will the people who studied for hours, sacrificing people over books; what will they have to say of themselves later? And when I say, say of themselves, I mean, what will they be able to say to themselves in terms of "Did I just waste my life on that?" Because in the end of it all, what does having a Masters mean, if you never mastered yourself?
Shitty pun. But it's done.
-I've had to question the concept of God a lot lately. Not my favorite topic, purely because everyone (my idea) has a different idea on who it is, and what happens. There is assumed an absolute truth (There are those that firmly believe this. As for me, I'm like 'ehh?'). But I think that if there is something out there, that God'll be chill as fuck. If I was made in his image (falling back on the Christian/Catholic concept ((No offense, I can't differentiate the difference between the two in terms of this concept))) I'm perfect as can be. If I am to meet God one day, I'll say "Sup?" And God'll say "Sup breh?" And we'll kick it, and do whatever it is all eternity. Chill shit.
-But then there's the possibility God doesn't exist. And then to that I say "Shoot." Because then that means, there is a rivalry in my mind. I hope that there is something that occurs after my life which allows me to remember all the people I've met along the way, and all the experiences I've had. That would be ideal, regardless of where it is, what it is, and who controls this fcking odd world.
But then there's the blank out of existence concept. This has caused me great fear in my life. To a stupid, utmost degree. I can't fathom it. Just not existing. I've heard people say it's peaceful to just not be. But then I think "Well, then you haven't lived a life worth remembering" Life is about the trauma and shit you go through. Given, I haven't lost a close family member or friend, so I'm not sure if that will change my mind. But I still have to say, why would anyone not want to be? Why would anyone not want to remember loves in their lives, or experiences laughing with a group of people, as you make jokes until three in the morning, and can't stop laughing, until someone says "Don't say anything else or I'll throw up" and everyone is quiet, and then you start laughing again because the silence makes you think of things funnier than you've thought of before, and your friend who said stop, starts dry heaving, and then we all get serious and go to sleep?
That's what I want to remember. That's why I live my life. So to say it gets erased, the second I shut my eyes from my inevitable death as I drown in ice cold water because I took a stroll one day in Seattle just to get out of the house, screaming for help, but I realize that there's no one around in between Seattle and Tacoma, and I try to control my hyperventilation as possible as I can, is just something I won't accept. I will have to accept it, of course, because it's not my choice, but:
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
-Dylan Thomas
-I'm out of food.
-This has been a long ass post. Sorry. That's what happens when I neglect to post in a while.
